Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
