and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
