saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
