We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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