i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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