You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
