I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
