3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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