WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
not ubering you a puppy
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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