I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
