I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
