I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
