I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
