I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
