The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
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