After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I wish I only lived at night.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
