My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
