My liver just broke up with me...
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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