I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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