I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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