and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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