i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
