If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
