I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
