is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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