im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
