There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
