why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
