my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
