Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
