I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
