There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
