So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
