Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
This is my gift to your gina
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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