He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
