We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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