My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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