people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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