I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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