***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
false alarm. still invincible.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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