miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My breasts were aching with rage.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
