please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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