Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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