the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
