my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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