i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
