i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
