sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
