I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
