im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
