dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
