If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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