im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
